fragileispretty

forgot to post again yesterday, ahh!

here's my friday post.

FRIDAY +/-

+++++++++++++
.going to the milwaukee zine fest. can't wait to spend the day with friends and sit around reading zines
.spike of warmish weather lately. indian summer
.daydreaming about moving to durham, north carolina and opening a coffeeshop with kate. actually sort of talking seriously about it
.finished a comic compilation zine with matt and leslie, i'll post details soon.
.saw daniel's band, like rats, last night. they're really awesome and i'm excited for them to get more on the radar. so tight, super catchy, primative driving tunes. the type of hardcore i really like. there's no reason a label won't pick them up soon, they're already that good.
.good music.
.good coffee.
.rover had a play date yesterday. i have a good dog.
.sort of apartment hunting. more on that later.
.i have a great job and i work for a great family that i feel really comfortable around. i was nervous to work for a family that i knew would be a round a lot because you get into a groove with a kid when you're alone. you can be that much sillier, talk outloud without feeling crazy, dance around with them without feeling self conscious, etc. it's either to be an all out nanny, i think, and most other nannies i've talked to have felt the same way. but fortunately, i'm totally comfortable around the family and will just get to be more so.
.realized i've been making my zine for 6 years. that's so long to be working on the same project. i should probably start working on list #14 soon.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -
.bummin a lot lately. i need a big change.
.cold weather looming ahead
.need to meet more people
.living with roommates
.rover sheds so much
.money money money. this is perpetually on my minus list.
.spending money on zines, something that you never really get paid back from. why do artists do creative things and sink money into it? it's an illusion that the things we make are important.


playlist: the low anthem, nirvana, nico, dirty on purpose, cold cave

I COULD JUST WRING HIS FUCKING NECK! WHAT A FUCKING SLOVENLY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING!!!! WHY DOES HE THINK IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CLEAN AFTER HIM?!?!?! WHAT A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SORRY EXCUSE FOR A BROTHER!!!! HE BETTER NOT COME HOME! I EVEN ASK HIM TO DO MUCH. BARELY ANYTHING. I JUST ASKED HIM TO CLEAN HIS OWN GOD DAMNED MESS. PUT HIS OWN SHIT AWAY SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO WHILST I CLEANED FOR MY PARTY AND HE CAN'T EVEN do that! THERE WILL BE A SHIT STORM WHEN HE GETS HOME. A MOTHER FUCKING SHIT STORM. HE BETTER NOT COME HOME. Dear Randell, you're fucking dead you lazy son of a bitch.
sincerely- your sister- lyra DANGER (bringer of pain and destruction).

ughh seasonal.. seems theres been a role reversal. liz actually said she was excited about the rain the other day.

this quarter isnt working out so well, but as for the reassessment of my goals earlier this year im pretty good. so i just took a test that should have been real easy and wasnt but all i have to say is eff that noise?

temptation. loneliness. grief. guilt.

also i really like my internship but theres that part about social work where you dont actually care about people and remove yourself from their problems that i gotta figure out.

self care
self care
self care
self care

which leads me back to bremerton.

http://www.myspace.com/theflex

2 songs up. Haven't figured a name for it yet so we're just using the Flex as a working title haha. Similar, but different. I think it's way better. Check it out let us know if you are into it. If you book shows we would like to play them.

It was somewhere else. Some different place entirely, but there were still some from here. And some from there. One lady from there was showing me about life. It was kind of gray, but mostly just like houses I've been too here. It wasn't cold or anything. I don't know why I was there. And I felt kind of drunk but I didn't drink anything. I was acting kind of drunk, but mostly like myself. And here when I am drunk I am most myself and I will tell the truth. I really must have been very drunk because after I met him everything started spinning rapidly and the noise of children yelling and screaming and playing started to confuse and scare me. All the people around were just there, like here. I tried to think of the one thing that could comfort me, so I tried to hang on to him, but it didn't work. No matter how hard I held on it wouldn't work. So I started to panic and yell WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP until I finally spun out of the clamor and found myself in my bed not breathing.

Had a good couple of days.
Babysitting.
Cleaning house.
Preparing for my birthday party.

blahhhhhhh


God, life is too complicated.

I just came home from a Mew concert, my hears are ringing.

That was my first concert in 12 frikkin years, believe it or not, and it was AWESOME. They have written some of the saddest songs I have ever heard (that is, to me) but still they make me incredibly happy when I hear them. I am shy and very much not an extrovert, but I thought I was going to lose it when the final moments of 156 rolled over me.

Also they played nearly all of my favorite songs, I thought they wouldn't because most of them are from an old album but they did, that's what I call fan-service. They started the show with Apocalypso / Am I Wry? No / 156 back to back, that was beautiful. Right from their intro I knew I would love it. Because let's face it, I was looking for all sorts of reason not to go, as I always do, and one of them was that I would probably find it booooring. But then I was all in, and I didn't want the show to end. Silly me.

They also played Special with everybody jumping and laughing. The place was pretty small, everybody was close to the stage and we were about 500 I'd say. Great crowd :)

Best of all, their encore was Comforting Sounds. Nine minutes of pure joy...

Oh, oh, and just when I walked into the room, Jonas, the lead singer, walked right past me saying to the guy who was checking tickets "Sorry, I... I'm, er, playing tonight, it's a... I'm in the band, you know?" That guy is a shy fella. At the end of each song, you can see him looking anxiously at the crowd, looking for appreciation.

I like how on their wiki page it says "they sometimes humorously refer to it themselves as "pretentious art rock".

Haha, I'm all over the place.

Thank you Nat for sending me a CD years ago with a few of their tracks, I owe you :)

ahh! totally forgot to post yesterday. i guess that means i failed my one-post-every-day-of-this-month challenge and subsequently should just give up now. or i will just make two posts today.

this blog will be titled: things i've been doing

1. my friends leslie, matt, neil and i are going up to the milwaukee zine fest on saturday. i'm pretty excited to table again, since it's been a while, and also to finally see a little more of milwaukee since i've only been there once. in preparation for the zine fest, matt, leslie and i compiled all of our comics into a new zine called 'its not funny' (since we all make comics that aren't actually comedic). i think it actually looks really good and i'm excited to have something new out and something tactile to show for all the drawing i've been doing these days. i'm also excited to have friends that are actively doing things that i'm into and that i can work on projects with.

2. i've been making a lot of food lately. i've been having a little trouble finding motivation (despite all my drawing) and have recently been pretty bummed out about past relationship stuff. i don't know why those feelings are rearing their ugly head again, i guess its the looming winter ahead, but it just drags me down every day and is hard to shake off. as a result of lack of motivation, i need ways to fill my time. i usually do that by cooking. i've been making some pretty carb-laden foods. i need to get back on track with health stuff! though, at least i'm eating deliciously in the meantime.

3. i've been working on a graphic novel with my friend leslie. we don't really know what we're doing but we're doing it anyway. sometimes that's the best way to go about things. we've been having weekly to bi-weekly meetings about it and leaving with assignments to complete throughout the week. because of comic zine stuff and said lack of motivation/bummin, i haven't done my assignment yet this week but i will. we're finally getting into the thick of it, storyboarding the first section! leslie wrote the whole story, then we went through and discussed how to translate it to graphics, then i designed all the characters, we talked about the settings, atmosphere, layout etc, and we're ready to really get into it. pretty exciting, still very daunting. there's a lot of work ahead.

4. in terms of my actual job job, rishi is the best. he's getting so funny and starting to say all sorts of words. though theyre still words in the way that you know what he's trying to say because you're around him every day, not necessarily in a way that a passerby would understand. my favorite thing he "says" is E-I-E-I-O which sounds like aye-yee-aye-yee-aye. he loves talking about ducks or 'quack quacks.' he asks for crackers all the time, and that actually sounds like cracker. we went to the field museum today and the whole time i just thought about what a great baby he is. he just patiently sat in his stroller on the train and we made funny faces at each other to pass the time. i haven't seen much of a squirmy, impatient crying side of him yet. hopefully it's not a phase that's yet to come.

5. i'm going to a training on monday to learn how to work in a bookstore. i'm volunteering at a not-for-profit bookstore. my roommate works for a literacy organization and they just opened the bookstore, selling donated used books, to help fund their literacy programs. it's just three shifts a month but i'm hoping i'll get more. i'd be happy to spend my extra time working in a bookstore, even if it's for free. and of course, helping a good organization is great too.

i haven't been doing much else. not a lot going on these days, aside from sitting at my desk drawing for long periods of time. i guess when written down, this all looks like a lot of stuff. maybe i could just use a little more of a social life. that seemed to disappear when summer did.

EDIT@08:16 UTC/GMT. Wow. That was ugly. I expected it to go for 30 minutes and have maybe 1 minute of broken connectivity. Instead it lasted over 4 hours and we had 10 minutes of downtime directly related to the load balancer upgrades and then another 5-10 minutes of downtime when our primary Pingback database server crashed and the secondary couldn't take over; which could have been indirectly caused by the network upgrade missing a self-VIP.

Anyways, we're up, we're working, the load balancers are barely breaking a sweat right now and I need some food and a shot of whiskey. I don't even *like* whiskey!!

Thanks mhwest and dnewhall for helping out!

---

On Saturday the 14th at 4AM UTC/GMT we will be upgrading the operating system of our network load balancers to a newer version, one that will allow us to use both CPUs! Nifty, because multiprocessing is nice.

Since we have 2 load balancers, the plan is to upgrade 1 at a time, and there really should be very little impact to our website. Hopefully you won't notice a thing and I'll get to go back to the hotel and watch some wonderful late night infomercials.

We've got a lot of exciting projects coming up for 2010 and we're hoping that we'll be able to deliver them all to you, that you will find it useful/cool/lovely and then you will use the site even more. Behind-the-scenes work like this will give us the capacity to handle the anticipated traffic, so expect a few more maintenance windows especially in the beginning of next year as we've got some neat ideas to improve performance around here! We had the recent 30-45 minute outage yesterday due to one of our logging databases filling up disk space -- not so great design coupled with my human error in handling the initial problem -- and it looks like we're going to finally have some resources to eliminate stuff like that. I can't wait!

As usual, I will be updating status.livejournal.org before and after, just in case you are not able to reach our main website during the work.

so this is a cop out post, in terms of NaBloPoMo, but I'm saying it counts anyway!

Go check out our new comic trade up on my art blog!
http://www.everydaypants.com/blog

Tonight is the Mountain Goats.

I had weird dreams about having the catch the ferry all night. It lead to me almost sleeping through my alarm.
Work for 2-4 hours.
Catch 5:30 ferry.
Pre-funk at Erynn's.
Go to concert.
Have fun.


It's too bad that it's so rainy out today.
It will be a good day still.

Made a delicious dinner of tomato soup (made with milk. added salt, pepper, and garlic powder), and grilled cheese (with my garlic onion butter spread in the middle and monterey jack cheese) and 2 pickle spears (which I made myself a few months ago). It was amazing. The only way to make it better would be if I could find weed in this god forsaken place.

Dear Belfair,
I can't wait to leave you.
Love,
regnaD aryL

i spent a good amount of the last two days giving my bedroom a makeover. i needed a big change of pace and a project to do by myself, so this was the perfect solution. i love working on house stuff.

voila! my newly repainted and redecorated room.


( everything i did to my room with pictures, and a new desk too!  )

I AM JUGGERNAUT!

I am obsessed with comic books.
I can't stop reading about them. Thinking about them. Dreaming about them.
I always wish my life was like a comic book.
That I had super powers and went on wild adventures.

Lately I've been into the Xmen. I still have a lot of reading to do.
I think it would be great if I could write comics.
Or even just sell them.
blahhhhhh

Mountain goats on Tuesday.
Birthday Party on Saturday.


I made a really good snack today.
I put this garlic spread on some bread with a few italian spices...
Toasted the bread and dipped it in hummus.
It was delicious.
I think I'll use it on Saturday for my party.

I miss playing house with friends.
I can't wait to move. I will live with friends again. I will dazzle them with my culinary creations, astound with my cleanliness and delight with my crafts. Oh, it will be glorious.

Well, I guess you're right. I am evil. I should end things but I don't. I'm sucked in too deep to let go.
It's not even that. I'm just a really messed up person. Lobotomy, please.

I made one of the best dinners ever tonight. I love to cook. I never really liked cooking until this year.
I suppose I'm changing. I wish it was always for the better.


I wasn't always like this. I remember a day, sitting on a cliff in the California sunshine. Staring at the ocean.
I remember this day and I remember thinking, that someday I would get better.
I try to make myself better without drugs. Without counseling. On my own. I don't know why but I've come to
believe that the only person I can depend on is myself. So I try to make myself better.
I wonder if I'm just making myself worse.


I realize that I can change things. I realize that destiny is a transient thing. I realize that tomorrow offers a whole new day of new mistakes, new challenges and new opportunities. I realize that I need to change things.


My birthday is coming up. I want comic books and pot for my birthday.

This year for my birthday I'm going to end things with him. Just make a clean break. I don't want to lead anyone down a road that could end up being painful for them. Who am I kidding? I have the self control of a 2 year old.

the next place i live i want:

-a whole side yard for a big garden and lots of room for rover to run around
-to live with another artist or punk again. i really miss that.
-to live with vegetarians/vegans again
-walls that are nice colors
-a room with a big closet
-a cozy comfy couch
-a big organized kitchen
-a porch or stoop or balcony or all of the above. the frisby house had a front and back porch and a balcony with a hammock on it!
-lots of windows

lately i've been daydreaming about my next apartment a lot. i really miss living in a communal type living situation, but ideally i'd just live with one or two people who are artistic and motivated and will inspire me to work a lot and who i can get feedback from. i miss being able to offer my place for bands to crash. i miss having shows sometimes.

i especially want a big yard and a bigger garden. i'd love to try doing root vegetables next year and also to grow enough to do some canning as well. each year i just want to grow more and more of my own food until i'm growing almost all of it.

one day i'll have an amazing little house and i'll make it exactly how i want it to be and i'll invite just the right people to share it with me. i'm a homesteader.